Blessing ...

When Prof asked me to say something about Xiao'ou during the group meeting, I suddenly ran out of words. There were so many thoughts flooding into my mind, but I didn't know where to start. 

I'm a stranger to her, but I can feel she's so close to me. 

She's young, smart, lovely. 

She's one of us who come to this island to realize their dreams. 

However, 

she's unlucky. 

I don't know what Leukemia means to a girl like Xiao'ou

but I'm sure that's a bitter feeling. 

BUT

she's still so optimistic, 

so determined, 

so brave to fight, non-stop. 

I started missing Hwa Chin on my way back home today. It was the first time I cried since she passed away. I didn't deserve to be her friend at all, otherwise I wouldn't have known the news about she caught cancer so late. If we could have helped her earlier, just like how we are helping Xiao'ou right now, maybe the story would be different for Hwa Chin. 

When planning the trip to Kinabalu, I constantly thought about Hwa Chin. I'm sure she would be one of the members who will join this trip, bring laughters to us, and accomplish the challenge together. 

Now, I can only miss her, and the missing turned into the desire of helping Xiao'ou. I don't want to miss the chance again. So, if you are reading this post, and if you have similar experience as me, please go to www.blessxiaoou.net   Appreciate your concern. 

破除魔咒

我吃過自製早餐搭143出門
我路過虎豹別墅路過Sentosa
看著驕陽透過車窗一閃一閃
我坐在Pepper Lunch裏的單人位
知道看過Video才會做得美味可口
我小心翼翼地過著馬路
我用帽子遮住自己的臉

我現在瞭解UOB的卡在Cathay看戲會有折扣
我于是按照既定日程買了Mummy的B19號位
我看到Fox即使過了七月仍有50%的discount
我這才終于得到了屬于我的小短褲

我坐在雙層巴士的二樓最前排看風景
我只記得在老曾記買一個Sotong Ball
而現在卻沒有Lemon Tea
我看到行人在大街上各有各自的方嚮
我才知我自己也已在路上

死

人死后能否复生？我只知我死过两次之后依然活着，勉强用剩余的体力支撑着踏出步子，却没有任何方向。终于明白许多企盼不是你做到诚心诚意就能实现的，一个人的力量太渺小，而且人始终孤独。

孤独。

我越来越相信人始终孤独，只有自己，我，一个人才能救自己。寄自己的希望于他人身上终归是愚蠢的做法。世界越来越虚假，人越来越自私。是时候该为自己考虑一些事情了，做人不能太付出。

我想我心已死，纵然仍在用惯性向前移进，可不再向往美好。也许我已获得解放。也许我本不配拥有。算罢。

默哀

总觉今年注定要有大喜大悲的一年。 自己的，朋友的，家人的，认识的，不认识的，那些人的命运前途，总是牵连着我的情绪，让我不能平静下来。 太多欢笑，隐藏了太多泪水，谁都不愿说出， 只能互相慰藉着挨过一段日子。
想着打电话给老大和徐书， 却不知该慰问些什么， 还是在这里默默地为她们的家人和她们的城市祈福吧， 愿一切安好。 King Liang 最终回了家， 想着总是会比留在这个燥热的新加坡好一些， 心情也自然会平静许多吧。 等着一个见面， 想听Suo讲许多话， 弥补太久的疏远和太多的亏欠， 也让我自己放下一些担心。
还有我们的未来，那些变得清楚又模糊又再清楚的企望，何时才会有个定论？相信不久了吧，希望一些都会好起来。

当争吵在沉默中进行

最近两个星期一直在做一件无聊透顶的事情。不知Email的发明是否是件好事，大量的信息和情感通过digital的文字传达着，你猜不到坐在光缆另外一端的人对着电脑心情如何，也不知他/她的话几分真几分假。摘取最近收到的一封Email的片断，我都开始扪心自问是否性本恶，以出语伤人为好。


... ... I have already warned you about your rudeness when you write to me, and that you better show the correct level of respect. I would like to tell you that I am very much offended by about your final paragraph. Taken in conjunction with your various false claims, I will not threaten you with any punitive punishment and I just wish that you can understand that if your claims are false, they will eventually be found out. If you can take this as a lesson learnt, good. If not, I don’t think I want to insist anyway. I have already done my best for you and I don’t think I can do anything more for you.

If you are offering an apology to me, I will take the time to listen to you and if it is sincere I will accept it. As I have told you very clearly in my last email I have done all due diligence and checked all the necessary details and I have to come to a firm conclusion of the matter on hand. I have already given you a fair hearing and I do not wish to continue if you can only offer weak excuses without any firm evidence, and I hope you can respect my decision.

Furthermore, I have explained that I need to firm and clear about such matter, and that if I find that your claims are wrong or false, I will have to tell you in no uncertain terms based on the evidence that I have uncovered. Whether you do it intentional or not, I will have to make a judgement, and it is not for you to tell me what I should do. You should have that basic respect. Even though I am satisfied that the three claims are false,

Thus, my conclusion is that there is nothing unclear about your statements. I am sure you meant it exactly as written. Furthermore, why create such a mystery now and profess that there are others in the same situation like you, and again allege that my AO has failed in her duties again? Did she misplaced your form (or other students’ form) and then have to ask you to submit the same form three times? Or you have to do it so many times, because you have persistent errors? Anyway... ...


Whatever, 愤怒归愤怒，照片还是要奉上的。以上为最近出行Grasse的得意之作，只是不知如何可以洒上香水的味道。

一個只有一盞昏黃燈光的晚上

我就是這麽一個不爭氣的傢伙, 拼命地想要遠離人群, 却又耐不住寂寞. 不能否認, 從LSE條件良好的學生宿舍搬去New Cross Gate時是滿心愉悅的; 我想即使住了Temasek, 也會最終眼紅HollandV的大房子和嬉鬧的人群.

時不時地會有珊珊提到的那種感覺, 一瞬間想要割斷与世界上所有人的關係, 不要牽挂別人, 也不要被人牽掛. 累了, 喘不過气來, 真想乾乾淨淨地就只有我一個人, 我自己, 我...

其實我做不到, 我知道的.

這麽久了, 才發現, 原來我愛的只有自己, 或許加上爸爸媽媽, 不管他們怎麽變老, 我怎麽長大, 我和爸爸媽媽的距離始終不會變, 因爲他們從旅程的起點開始就一直陪着我, 而其他所有人都只會成爲過客, 一些對我無關緊要的過客. 我似乎開始有點討厭這個冷血的人.

也許花樣年華裏面講的方法是有效的, 終有那麽一天, 我會跑到山上, 找一棵樹, 挖一個洞, 把所有的秘密都講進去, 然後用泥巴封住洞口.

我愛的只有自己.

I Hate Being Sick !!

The painful throat making the duck voice;
an organ weirdly starts to hurt, let it melt into dirty water and go to the hell !
I thought I recovered, but soon later body temp was increasing bit by bit,
really want to bend the thermometer into two.
I'm wondering what crap the doctor will tell me tomorrow.
Life is beautiful. Yes, let's see how beautiful it is, like a colourful rubbish bin.
I want to start my journey
I want to leave this place
I want to watch movie non-stop
I want to turn volume of music to max
I want to run to the edge of the world
I won't die, but
I just don't want to live
like this... ...

I AM NOTHING

不知道該給個甚麼名字好的題目

總覺得最近有些自欺欺人的樣子
顏色燦爛的照片並不能說明生活一樣燦爛
每當朋友關心地問起在英國的生活如何
會說很好
會說很悠哉
一副勝利者的姿態
可永遠不知道其中的辛苦委屈該如何表達

學會了對人面帶微笑
以前不只一人對我說過應常常微笑
這樣比較好看
學會了佯裝樂觀
可心里的結並不那麼容易扭轉

不知道從甚麼時候開始失去了表達能力
應該是很久以前了吧
常抱怨英文沒長進
可自己也清楚每次草草地看到新詞並不誠心接納
就像對待新認識的朋友一樣
有著戒心

在這裡沒有可以讓我信任讓我依賴的人
其實不是別人不可信
而是自己沒有勇氣
這讓我感到害怕
自己精心編造的虛假的世界

雪後的風景固然美
卻需要我來掩蓋枯枝和泥濘
天空並不是一直為我湛藍
拉開窗簾一樣要接受陰霾

不想停下腳步
不停地不停地走向新的目的地
旅途中有歡笑 有朋友
卻又總覺得少些甚麼
每日在盼望將來中度過
卻不知道今天是甚麼

怎麼變得奢望起來

做了個很年輕的夢
二班的同學們在闊別四年後開始聚會
大家在餐館坐成一桌
互相交換著電話號碼
我焦急地打電話給丛
她說在趕報告來不了了

發現走了一大圈又回到了起點

愛 生活

突然不想再繼續寫了,不想再繼續貼縱然美麗的照片. 生活再精采也不過是一個人的精采, 一個人的孤獨. 記得索索總教我順其自然, 來的, 去的, 我都全然無知, 沒有一點力氣去抓住. 我在這陌生的世界, 看著陌生的自己, 欲哭無淚.

成堆的照片積攢在相機和手機裏，懶得傳進電腦. 其實發生過的事情何必要記下, 要回想呢? 做個樂觀的人, 就要一直往前看, 就要對未來充滿希望. 越來越習慣於獨來獨往的生活, 這樣可以冷靜地去思考, 去生活, 去愛. 最近總會強烈地愛一片草地, 一棟樓房, 一個風景, 一座城市, 一種生活狀態. 對, 也許這就是我一直尋求的生活狀態吧, 自由, 冷漠...

不想再這樣堅強了, 想變回一個孩子, 回到自己狹小的星球, 照看我嬌嫩的玫瑰花, 每天清晨清理火山. 想安靜地聽媽媽的話, 不再狡辯, 不再不理解. 想回到溫暖的窩, 做許許多多的夢, 留在夢境里再也不出來.

Full of question marks

It's an early dark Sunday morning, and I couldn't stay in bed any more, so I'm here. In the past one week, I could always get sufficient sleep, and thought I was leading a very happy holiday life. Now I suddenly realize, I actually don't need that much sleep. Sleeping and dreaming a dream are just excuses of escaping from the real world. Christmas time. Welcome to the real world!

Just reinstalled system on laptop. Somehow there's no Chinese Language pack in this English version Windows XP. Now there are hundreds of question marks flooding on screen, but I have to bear with it first. Obviously, I can't type in Chinese for this post, but I feel lucky I can type some English words instead, though that's not what I wish.

There's no special picture to go with the post, but what I want to put here is a photo I always liked a lot, though that's quite an old one, and really nothing special...



I'm looking at the sunshine, through layers of leaves